Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
