Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
