I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
Randomize
