when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
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