I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
He passed out mid-signature
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
