2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
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