we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Randomize
