I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
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Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
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