I think scott just propositioned me for sex
I think i peed on brittanys purse
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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