they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
