Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
You're like the curious george of whores
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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