my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
