I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
