I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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