First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
