I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
