It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Randomize
