I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
