All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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