so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
