I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
