i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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