So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
