I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
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