My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
