Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
