U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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