apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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