you told grandpa to call you daddy
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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