oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
