Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Randomize
