Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
