just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Randomize
