i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
