Define "chronic" masturbator.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
