Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
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