from now on my penis is your penis
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
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I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
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shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable