I cannot find my penis.
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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