I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.