You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.