Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
