i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Randomize
