he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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