Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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