i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
