My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
My ass is underappreciated
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Randomize
