It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
