Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
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