The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Randomize
