so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
