dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
