My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
