This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
