I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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