we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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