i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
