Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
