Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Randomize
