I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
