if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
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I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
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As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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