just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
im holly from the hills drunk
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Randomize
