I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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