she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
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