Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
If that was your dad, he is hot
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
nutella sex= disaster
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
