it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
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