Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
